Build a Better Penis

KUALA LUMPUR — Forget the mousetrap. If you want the world to beat a path to your door, build a better penis.

Dutch technology company Jungeheer Laboratories BV has unveiled the world’s first fully functional artificial wang. In development for over a decade, the remarkable unit is officially named the WNR-1 “Lul,” but the blogosphere has already dubbed it the robo-penis.

At a press conference yesterday, Jungheer head engineer and spokesman Pieter Piemelsen laughed at the moniker, saying, “Call it what you will, it’s an incredible piece of fucking hardware.”

He’s right. The technology is impressive.

It isn’t a sex-toy or a mere novelty. It’s a genuine extension of the user’s body, augmented with lightning-fast, 24-core processing power and quadruply redundant sub-systems. Its revolutionary carbyne construction offers greater rigidity and strength than carbon nanotubes, yet is more flexible than a typical polymer.

The densely packed microminiature sensory dermis along the WNR-1’s surface detects and conveys 6.8 million pressure, friction, moisture, acceleration and temperature readings per second directly into the user’s central nervous system. Jungheer’s revolutionary I-THRUSTTM penile neurolink technology is one of the best-kept, most-coveted secrets in the burgeoning field of sexual robotics.

While Piemelsen’s hands-on demonstration of the erection inducement procedure impressed observers, it did not reveal any secrets of how the underlying technology works. For now, it appears to be pure magic.

So does the fortuitous timing of the WNR-1’s release, as competing systems are at least two years behind in development. “This ensures unprecedented penetration for the WNR-1,” Piemelsen said. “In this game, coming first may have its advantages, but it’s ultimately about staying power.”

The company’s newly completed facilities in Sarawak and Sabah should reach full production by the end of the year. From those state-of-the-art factories, the company will initially offer three robo-penis models, with plans for more already in the pipeline.

The amber Lul-A model, destined for Asia, is the smallest, but most reliable. The intermediate Lul-C, in high-gloss white, will be sold exclusively in Europe, Australia and the Americas, despite reports of disappointing rhythmic performance in vibration mode.

Finally, the ebony Lul-B, the largest of the series, will appear primarily in the African and Middle Eastern regions. It will also be introduced into a few limited U.S. markets, though field tests indicate the “Bravo” works only about 40 percent of the time and must be constantly monitored.

The first WNR-1 is expected to ship in February. Preorders already top 340,000 on Amazon, though Jungheer has yet to announce detailed pricing information. Even the most conservative experts project annual revenues in excess of $1.3 billion in North America alone.

“Remember, this has never been tried before,” Jungheer said during a recent BBC interview. “This level of R&D investment in, and optimism about, new technology is unprecedented. Well, except for maybe Atari in 1982 with that shitty ET – The Extraterrestrial game. They buried 4 million game cartridges in the Arizona desert, you know. Anyway, that won’t be us. We’re prepared to match supply with demand and ramp up or scale down rapidly, as market conditions dictate. Stay tuned for alpha tests of the cyber-pussy in Q3 2019.”

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