Vacuum Cleaner

Intercourse with a vacuum cleaner
Is classed as a mere misdemeanor,
But it sucks as a crime,
‘Cause there’s no reason or rhyme
For taking such risks with one’s wiener.

“No rhyme or reason” (the actual word order) means without pattern (rhyme) or logic (reason). In other words, it describes something that is nonsensical, either from a poetic or logical perspective. It dates to at least 1460 when John Russell wrote it. Shakespeare penned it twice: first in Comedy of Errors in 1490 and then in As You Like It in 1600. Now to vacuum cleaners. People, they have fan blades in them that can shred a pecker with impunity. Despite the dangers, the practice is frequent enough to have been documented by the medical community. A guy in Michigan was arrested for indecent exposure when a cop watched him perform a sex act on a car wash vacuum. In another case, a security guard caught a Polish fellow in flagrante delicto in the cafeteria at the hospital where he worked. His employer fired him. Then there’s this poor Saudi dude, whose own wife ratted him out to authorities. Though legal experts during the trial admitted that sex with home appliances is not explicitly forbidden in Islamic law, adultery is. In the end, he received 500 lashes and was sentenced to two years in prison.

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