Lyrics, Rated R

This Christmas

This Christmas, as always, Santa’s pissed
By all your awful antics on his list.
The full impact didn’t really hit
Until he read back over all of it.

You kicked three dogs, then chewed their toys
And switched from liking girls to boys.
Eleven times—you don’t know why—
You farted on a key lime pie.

You gave morphine to six orphan kids
And bailed on all your eBay bids.
At three Hannafords and two Walmarts
You licked the handles of shopping carts.

You peed on a paraplegic man
And became a Justin Bieber fan.
Last week you drew crude dicks and balls
On all your niece’s Barbie dolls.

You took bong-hits with preemie babies
And infected skunks and bats with rabies.
You defiled a pinecone that you found
In front of children on the playground.

You let all your grandma’s house plants die
And twice you beat off some homeless guy.
So, you get squat from the North Pole
No proverbial lump of coal.

Not a stocking stuffer or a card
‘Cause being a decent human being’s hard.
Don’t be angry with old Saint Nick
It’s all your fault you were a dick.

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