Jokes, Rated R

Star Wars – Classic

Episodes IV, V and VI

Why do Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru refuse to do business with stormtroopers?
They’ve been burned before.

After destroying the Death Star, why was Luke Skywalker a natural for the construction business?
Because he digs trenches now.

After the judge’s ruling, who ended up with Luke Skywalker’s X-wing?
His X-wife.

How did the rancor beneath Jabba the Hutt’s palace react to the new armored door on its cage?
It was crushed.

Why did Han Solo recommend a posthumous bravery medal for Luke’s tautaun?
Because it showed real guts in a crisis.

What kind of weight-loss diet was the obese sarlacc put on?
A low-Fett diet.

Who’s considered the biggest pussy in the imperial high command?
Grand Muff Tarkin.

Between Han and Greedo, who wins their weekly circle jerks?
Han always shoots first.

Why are Hoth snowtoopers considered the elites of the Corps?
Because they’re cool under fire.

What do you call a lazy, fat disciple of the Dark Side?
A Sloth Lard.

Why is Yoda’s sentence syntax so backwards?
Because dyslexia fucking he has.

How does Han Solo describe Princess Leia’s butthole?
“A small thermal exhaust port, just below the main port.”

Why do TIE fighter and bomber pilots feel the Empire discriminates against them?
Because they’re black.

What weighty projectile launched by the Alliance hit, but failed to significantly damage, the Death Star?

How does Darth Vader pleasure himself?
He force-chokes his chicken.

What can make point-five past light speed, but smells like fish?
The Aquarium Falcon.

See more in Stumpy’s Star Wars Jokes series, including The Prequels.

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